by Noah Cicero

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Preacher Elmer and five other of the undead are standing outside of a house.

They are hiding behind bushes.

Preacher Elmer looks at them and says, “Inside that house is the leader of the conspiracy to wipe out zombies. He lives for one thing, the complete destruction of the undead way of life. He hates the undead. He despises us. He is evil. Evil! We must go in there and eat him; we must not even let him become the undead. We must eat him until there is nothing left.”

A long haired hippy is sitting on his couch eating chips and watching the news.

The zombies burst into the room.

The long haired hippy says in a panic, “Don’t. You don’t have to do this. We can resolve this peacefully. Isn’t there still some human left in you? Deep inside, there has to be some of that living human in you. That part of you with a living human soul. You might be dead, but you’re still human.”

Preacher Elmer says, “Listen hippy. This is America right?”


“And in America you have democracy?”


“Is not the bulk of the American population undead now?”

“Well, I guess it is.”

“Is that not the majority?”


“Aren’t the rules of democracy say that if the bulk have voted for a certain way of life, a certain candidate, a certain proposal, that it must be that way.”


“Well, we have the bulk of the population. This is the new way of life.”

“So our new way of life is murder?”


“Can we agree to disagree,” says the hippy.


“Are you still going to kill me?”

“Yes, in a democracy anyone can have an opinion. Just some of them you can be killed for having,” says Preacher Elmer.

“That’s not how it works.”

“Oh yes it does. If you steal, you hold the opinion it is okay to take other people’s shit without paying for it correct?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Your opinion like stealing is against the law now. And the punishment for your opinion is death. Eat him boys!”


They eat the tree hugger.

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