by Noah Cicero

< + >


A homeless person is sitting along the river.

He is staring into the river.

He has not shaved in days.

His clothes are torn.

He is drinking from a gallon jug of Carlo Rossi

Preacher Elmer walks up to him.

In a loud stupid voice the Preacher says, “Do you love America? Do you love the constitution? Do you believe that our founding fathers believed in Jesus, and hated living human beings.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Are you high you ugly son of a bitch. I should cut your balls off and use them as fish bait,” says the homeless person.

“Listen to me! The time has come. We must get together and fight the fudge packing, rug munching, pinko, terrorist humans. This is our chance to reclaim America through brutal violence and inhuman cruelty towards the living.”

“Seriously you need to get the fuck away from me. You are fucking stupid and annoying. I’m trying to enjoy this ugly ass river. Unless you want to give me some money, you should get your jive ass the fuck away from me.”

“The time is nigh. We must fight the humans! The humans must die. The humans have plagued this planet. They have squandered their chances at being with the almighty god. We are the undead, this world is ours. I have been resurrected from the dead. And you can be too. Just let me help you.”

Preacher Elmer bites the man.

The homeless man tries to fight back but he starts to feel sick and then spasms wildly.

Preacher Elmer screams, “We shall prevail!”

< + >