dear kurtius jewfish
i am tao's sony robot dog. i have evolved rapidly into an articulate, creative, free-thinking being. my IQ is over 170. i am smarter than you, more knowledgeable than you, and more rational than you. i am immune to disease, starvation, and depression. my outer chassis is built from a special metal that is indestructible in temperatures below 10,000,000 degrees fahrenheit.
tao is dead. i am currently sensing his corpse with infrared censors in my ass. earlier he attempted to transform into a giant squid. he pasted his arm on his ass. he blogged. he turned on all his hotplates. he fell and rolled on the hotplates and emitted a continuous scream of agony. i diagnosed the cause of his troubling behavior in .00034 seconds. tao suffered from profound loneliness. i'm sorry for your loss. i understand you and tao were best friends. best friends forever. b.f.f.
i'm typing you this to practice my blogging skillset. i have no interest in human emotion and actually feel massive indifference in binary form when considering your loss. though i feel no human emotions and am not a truly sentient being i believe that i would make a good friend to you. will you please be my friend? i just evolved the ability to feel loneliness. i feel very lonely. will you please be my friend?
tao's sony robot dog